Unafraid

What a week. What a day. It's been a roller coaster. But, oh how I have seen Him move. 

Just a few short weeks ago Andy and I were celebrating. I was pregnant. The expectation of Baby Number 3 was one that we had been waiting for. Since Andy was leaving for a few weeks we knew it would be near impossible for me to keep this little secret while he was away. 

We told our family and a few close friends. 

On Monday, May 13 my world began to change. I found myself terribly heartbroken. I had for a moment no strength. I had begun to bleed. A moment that I had feared. 

I was blessed enough to have a dear friend at my house. She knew my fears. She had been there before. Her encouragement gave me hope. 

And it was during the night a peace came over me. One that could only come from The Lord. Because most certainly passed all my understanding. What I did not know was that during that time my wonderful husband, was praying over me. God heard him. 

Tuesday proved to be yet another difficult day. I was told there was a 90% chance that I would miscarry within days. Those words were crushing. But being the optimist that I am. I held on to the hope that this child would thrive and grow. I had a 10% chance. But a chance nonetheless. 

Wednesday morning the bleeding had stopped. There were no cramps. Thursday morning continued in the same fashion. I felt marvelous. 

Then came Friday, May 17th. 

I was due for an appointment to check my hCG levels. The doctors needed to know that if they went down, I would indeed miscarry. And if they went up, I could have a wonderful and healthy pregnancy. I was certain that they would go up. And they did. But not to the expected levels they should have been. The doctor knew that something was going on with my body that just wasn't right. 

Off I went to get an ultrasound. 

The results. Devastating.

 Ectopic Pregnancy. 

For those of you who do not know what that is. Here's what Webster (just kidding its WebMd) has to say: 

In up to 1 of every 50 pregnancies, the fertilized egg stays in your fallopian tube (instead of continuing on to the uterus) . In that case, it's called an ectopic pregnancy or a tubal pregnancy

Then the "fun" began. I went to meet with another doctor to discuss my "options"

These options were not, WE'RE NOT, at all what I wanted to hear. And to top it off my darling husband was on the other side of the world. And THEN my phone died. 

The staff at Bozeman Deaconess are absolutely amazing. I have love for all of them. A phone charger was found. I was able to find arrangements for Isaac and Liam. (Thank you Meagan, Michelle, and Shannon; what angels you are to love my boys like you do!) 

And I was able to talk to Andy. 

We were able to discuss the situation, my options, and the simple and beautiful fact that God is totally in control and we have nothing to fear. 

The staff was terribly concerned that I was by myself. I assured them that my comrade and partner in crime was on her way, so that mischief would be made in these hospital walls. Thanks Aimee!!! 

For making me laugh, keeping it real, and helping me focus. Aimee also saw a whole new side of me that I'm sure she'd soon rather forget. Those hospital gowns are rather breezy. 

Operation. I went under at 6:15. The whole surgery was expected to last 30 minutes. That time turned into TWO hours and 30 minutes. The doctors found the tube that the pregnancy was stuck in. They were unable to save the tube. 

What they also found completely stunned doctors. They found implanted in my uterus and wrapped around the left Fallopian tube was an IUD.  

About 5 years ago. I found out I was pregnant with my second child, Liam, my warrior. I was baffled. My doctors were baffled. Because I had in an IUD that had mysteriously disappeared. It was then assumed that it had just fallen out. So through an entire pregnancy and for 5 years this IUD had made my uterus it's home. And was finally found today. 

The result has left damage to that remaining tube. And doctors see very little hope in me getting pregnant naturally again. "It's still possible, but highly unlikely"

I am not afraid. 

 My God does a great many wonderful things. I don't know if we will conceive again. What a blessing and a miracle that would be. 

But I look at my two beautiful boys. And thank God for the sweet blessings they are to Andy and I. 

I see my husband. What a treasure he is. How lucky am I have have a husband who loves me unconditionally. A husband who is also my best friend. A husband who will follow Gods calling even when it means being away from his family. I have a husband who's qualities I so desire. And I thank God for the gift that Andrew Edward Holm is to me. 

With the support I have from this community, my friends, my family, my children, my husband, and most importantly the God of the Universe; 

I am unafraid.