mourning & rainbows
January 28, 2018
This morning, for the first time in 3 years, I allowed myself to mourn. I'm not sure what lead my mind to wander to the baby we named Selah. The one lost during our ectopic pregnancy. The one followed by a rainbow baby, two more miscarriages, and our final rainbow.
This morning my heart ached for that baby. This morning, I allowed myself to cry.
I allowed my self to mourn.
Over the last three years, I allowed guilt to consume me when I felt this sadness. Guilt convinced me that my sadness meant I was not grateful for rainbows that have come.
I wrote that a few days ago. Since then I've been trying to figure out how to move forward with this post. Trying to grapple with all the emotions I was feeling that day, the thoughts that brought me to sorrow, anger, guilt, frustration and ultimately back to joy.
Much has happened over the last 5 years. We have gone from hopelessness to whole. Mourning to dancing. We have seen many storms and yet once through them we have seen rainbows.
I'm rambling.
And I'm still not sure where I am trying to go with this.
Maybe, the conclusion I've come to, is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed on our losses. It's okay to mourn, it's okay that no matter how much time has passed to feel sorrow for a soul we long to hold. And most importantly it's okay to move forward.
It's okay to find joy.
Find a rainbow.
This morning, for the first time in 3 years, I allowed myself to mourn. I'm not sure what lead my mind to wander to the baby we named Selah. The one lost during our ectopic pregnancy. The one followed by a rainbow baby, two more miscarriages, and our final rainbow.
This morning my heart ached for that baby. This morning, I allowed myself to cry.
I allowed my self to mourn.
Over the last three years, I allowed guilt to consume me when I felt this sadness. Guilt convinced me that my sadness meant I was not grateful for rainbows that have come.
I wrote that a few days ago. Since then I've been trying to figure out how to move forward with this post. Trying to grapple with all the emotions I was feeling that day, the thoughts that brought me to sorrow, anger, guilt, frustration and ultimately back to joy.
Much has happened over the last 5 years. We have gone from hopelessness to whole. Mourning to dancing. We have seen many storms and yet once through them we have seen rainbows.
I'm rambling.
And I'm still not sure where I am trying to go with this.
Maybe, the conclusion I've come to, is that it doesn't matter how much time has passed on our losses. It's okay to mourn, it's okay that no matter how much time has passed to feel sorrow for a soul we long to hold. And most importantly it's okay to move forward.
It's okay to find joy.
Find a rainbow.
Hearts and hugs
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